Something Big

Mother phoned to say uncle had died, which meant I had inherited his school bus. “I didn’t know Uncle was a bus driver,” I said. “He wasn’t,” she said, “but it was one of his passions. Now look outside your front window." I did as I was told, and of course the bus was parked in the driveway. “And the keys?” I asked. “In the ignition.” As a freewheeling man I had no plans or job to speak of. So I crawled into the driving seat, which was still warm, and started off. I drove straight to Cleveland before I had to stop for gas. Outside the station I met two females who wanted to go for a ride. I agreed, thinking they would make good company, but quickly regretted it. We were on the road only a short time when I realized how disgusting they were. I tried to persuade them to exit out the back, telling them I suspected the bus was filling with toxic gas that might cause serious weight gain, but they were smarter than I thought, and started to laugh. After awhile I lost control of my arms and legs and began swerving into telephone poles. The bus held up perfectly and with great success, I left them in a ditch. I went further into the countryside until I came upon a man fishing a waterhole. I stopped to watch, but nothing was biting. “Rough waters?” I asked. “No, no bait,” he said. “Nice bus.” “Thanks. You want it?” “Sure, but what do you want in exchange?” he wondered. I didn't know for sure, but I also didn't hesitate and said,“Warmth.” “No problem my friend, follow me.” We walked through some prickly trees and came to the front door of his house. “Make yourself at home,” he said. “Thank you,” I said. Then he jogged off, climbed into the bus, and drove out of sight. I went inside and met his healthy wife and their seven young children. “Where are the fishy fish?” the wife asked. “I’m sorry,” I said, “I don’t have any fish, in fact I don’t have anything.” “Well, sorry won’t cut it buddy. Get out there and don’t come back until you have something that will feed eight hungry mouths.” "You're absolutely right," I said, "I'll be back, I promise."